We’re in a jam about jelly. What Americans think of as jelly is rarely eaten outside North America, while other folks worried we were putting a gelatin-brand product on our peanut-butter sandwiches. It’s all about the pectin! We compute the compote and cut our way through the fruit thicket, including having our way with curd. Stay tuned to the exciting post-show discussion about tiny hotel spreads.

Everyone else’s postal codes seem bizarre until you start decoding them.

North American house numbering makes no sense to people with more rational systems, like that of Glasgow, which James reads out during this episode. Why do U.S. and Canadian homes have extremely long numbers and how can you use this to find cross streets?

Panelist Chris Phin asked the innocent question, “What’s a duplex?” We went off half-cocked, then fully loaded as we discussed the difference between American duplexes and triplexes, townhouses, UK semi-detached housing, and a “two flat” in New Zealand. A common wall means you have to talk to your neighbor to get anything done—and we know how that goes.

We quake with fear as we address the tricky question of floor numbering. If the ground floor is the floor that is level with the ground, what’s the first floor? What if your ground floor is a flight of stairs up? Why does James have shops in his basement? Did you park in the garage or lob yourself into the lobby? Going up. Or down. We’re not sure which.

Please make sure and consult this document, referenced after the official closing theme of this episode, which will “help” “explain” apartment and floor numbering in Glasgow.

Now for the most exciting of all topics: real-estate ownership! Americans try to explain condos and coops, Scots tell us about mysterious “factors” and trying to talk your neighbo(u)rs into things like spending huge sums to repair holes in the floor, and our New Zealand correspondent brings up…BODY CORPS?! Own, rent, or lease, we’ve been co-opted.

An off-handed remark from James that he lived in—nay, owned—a “tenement flat” led to an extended discussion about flats, apartments, and tenements, and about how we refer to the kind of sub-building dwelling we live in.

We thought we’d start a run of episodes continuing our theme of things around the house with a simple topic: bench or counter/countertop. It turns out after finishing a meal, we need to sidle into the bathroom, find the pocket door. We also learn that we must stop sitting on top of things off which one normally eats food—it’s rude! And, in some parts of the world, a cultural social catastrophe extending to tapu. Nothing is ever easy when we investigate English’s migration around the world. Shall you sit on a bench or a counter? Fiddlesticks.

A buttermilk biscuit is one of humanity’s greatest inventions. But it is somehow different from an English or Scottish (or New Zealand) scone, whether you pronounce it skown or skon. In this episode, we tear biscuits apart, peer inside sausages, and swim in gravy.

We wade into the contentious debate of what constitutes a sandwich in this episode, but fortunately get sidetracked into whether a chicken patty is a burger or a sandwich, and then start remembering chip butties fondly, we discuss “the bits” of fries/chips, and Chris informs us about “a fly cuppie and a fine piece.” We avoid getting into a jam about jelly (reserving it for a future episode).