- I must confess grudging respect for any movie based on a line of jingoistic 1980s soldier toys that inexplicably opens in 1641 France, with a complicated tale of political intrigue. I'm guessing director Stephen Sommers still had some Van Helsing sets he hadn't gotten around to using.

- Say, Christopher Eccleston: How's that decision to leave Doctor Who after 13 episodes working out for you? Wait, wait, before you answer, kindly take that chunk of scenery out of your mouth. (I kid because I love.)

- Very strange product placement here. I wasn't aware that eight-year-old boys were in the target market for Cisco Telepresence or Norton Antivirus software. (Also, seriously, when you are raiding top-secret files from an underground terrorist bunker, do you really have time to run a Norton scan? Even a Norton scan that runs so quickly, it effectively qualifies as science fiction?)

- I'm not sure which Hollywood mad scientist was able to teach a side of beef how to walk around saying stuff, but I'd like to know who thought it was a good idea to cast him as the lead in a big-budget summer blockbuster. Channing Tatum spends the entire movie with exactly one tone of voice (mono n' mumbly) and two facial expressions ("sleepy" and "vaguely hungry"). When it comes to acting range, the dude makes Eliza Dushku look like Meryl Streep.

- Even when he's carving himself a great big ol' slice of cinematic ham, Joseph Gordon-Levitt can act better with one eye, under several pounds of latex, than Channing Tatum can with his entire body. Also, I'd like to humbly submit that this movie be retitled either G.I. Joe: Joseph Gordon-Levitt Buys a House, or G.I. Joe: Because Indie Movies With Zooey Deschanel Don't Pay Squat.

- For a movie ostensibly aimed at children, there are a surprising number of lethal eye injuries and decapitations-by-explosion.

- The producers have shrewdly realized that it doesn't matter what dialogue they give Rachel Nichols, or how convincingly she delivers it, because no one will be paying any attention to that aspect of her performance anyway.

- The relationship between Scarlett and Ripcord seems perfectly calibrated to the tastes of a prepubescent audience: Girls are scary but also sorta fascinating, and you should be nice to them, and it's OK if one of them kisses you a little bit as long as you don't get all mushy about it. 

- Sienna Miller's cleavage deserves higher billing than Sienna Miller, I think. It gets more screen time and makes more of an impression.

- In all his scenes, Dennis Quaid looks distinctly like whatever he ate from Craft Services really did not agree with him.

- Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for the Stephen Sommers Players! I mean, Arnold Vosloo would turn up (and, to be fair, be pretty dang awesome) for a hot meal, and it's always great to see Kevin J. O'Connor ooze across the screen, but Brendan Fraser cameoing as Flint? He must have a lot of free time on his hands these days.

- The only thing stopping Ray Park from being completely, stupidly awesome as Snake Eyes is that creepy Robocop mouth they've inexplicably molded into his mask. It makes him look all mopey and emo. Dear Producers: We aren't supposed to empathize with the creepy silent ninja badass.

- Wait, why the hell do you even need a French particle accelerator to activate your weaponized nanomites? (Suddenly, I feel like Geordi LaForge for some reason.) Did they have a few million dollars left in the CGI and set budgets, and just go, "Eh, why not?"

- I think the movie started to win me over when 10-year-old flashback versions of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow beat the holy living hell out of each other -- actual blood! -- in a no-holds-barred kung fu battle. But I didn't fully surrender to its charms until the fast, whizzy, gloriously insane Paris chase scene. I'm sorry, but there are few things more certifiably awesome than a ninja riding an SUV while surfing over entire automobiles being thrown at him, as a pair of cyborgs and a hot chick on a motorcycle plow through traffic in hot pursuit. Especially if it all culminates in the destruction of the Eiffel Tower.

- CGI polar bear. CGI POLAR BEAR. CGI POLAR BEAR!

- Despite being the guy stuck delivering technobabble in a not-very-good movie, Said Taghmaoui is pretty dang entertaining.

- When did Mr. Eko become a gay soccer hooligan?

- For a big, loud, stupid movie based on children's toys, this film can be shockingly competent. The big action scenes are coherently shot and never confusing, the flashbacks are effectively structured, some of the editing and stunt work is really quite good, and the finale manages to give each of the six (!) main characters something convincingly vital to do. It's a far better film than either of Michael Bay's Transformers movies -- and way less creepily fetishistic of the U.S. military to boot.

- President Zartan? *slow clap* Oh, Stephen Sommers, I can almost forgive you for Van Helsing now. Almost.